"True Lunch Waits"

Study: Abstinence-Only Lunch Programs Ineffective At Combating Teen Obesity, a brilliant story in the Onion. The entire thing is fabulous but I love this part:

"I'm never ever going to eat, because eating is wrong, and I'm worth more than a chicken sandwich with asparagus and rice pilaf," Woodbridge seventh-grader Tracey Holmes said. "I heard Jennifer Hines eats all the time, like 50 times a day. I heard she eats all her ice cream upside-down, though, so she doesn't get fat. That's how it works."

"It's really hard, though," Holmes added. "I get so hungry sometimes. Especially after hours and hours of unprotected sex."

Thanks to Arthur for forwarding it.